I wrote a blog post back in May (Click HERE) and this one today is styled along the same lines, but it is Not Me with a little Not My Child mixed in.
Monday (let's say) Caden and I went grocery shopping at Kroger. When we get there, I pull into a parking spot next to the 'Return Carts Here' area. By the way, I love, love, love parking next to those so I don't have to walk all over the parking lot to find a cart return place after shopping! Anyway, we pull up and let's say some kid in my back seat starts screaming 'MINE!' while pointing to that big, huge, hard to drive red race car shopping cart parked next to my car. I tried the 'ignore' tactic which now does nothing on the 2 year old we have! I get him out, put him in the race car cart-whoever designed these should be drug out into the road and shot-and we make our way into the store. Is it just me or do you feel completely ridiculous driving those bus long cart things? I cannot drive one to save my life! I feel like I've gone stupid and have never pushed a cart before! They are too big, too long, too loud and I don't like the concept of having to dip the front end down just to turn! ANYWAY (AGAIN), so we make our way through the store without taking out anyone or anything and check out. We go toward the parking lot and let's say I pulled the cart up to the back of the car and unloaded the groceries. After that, let's say I asked the 2 year old if he's ready to get out...and for grins, let's just say he throws a complete fit, screaming, kicking, saying 'NO!' and trying to hit me as the fancy pants lady with her big fat Luxury S.U.V. and her fancy pants sunglasses is loading her EVIAN case of water into her car, and looking at me horrified. Here's the Not Me moment: ready? I most certainly did not push the ridiculously huge red race car cart over to the 'Return Carts Here' area and start to unbuckle the 2 year old saying, 'Okay Caden it is time to get out.' more kicking screaming, more gawking from Luxury S.U.V. lady. I then most certainly did not say, 'I don't think your Mommy or Daddy will be happy with how you are acting!' Nope, not me...I didn't say that...or did I?
Caden loves riding the rocking horse at daycare as fast and as hard as he can possibly go! Yesterday when I picked him up I was talking to his teacher who was behind the counter of her classroom. Caden was on the side with me and was pointing over the top of the counter at the classroom behind us yelling something that I guess translated to 'I want to ride the horse.' There is a little half door that has a lock on it and he was peeking over it at the horse. I said, 'No, Caden, we are leaving you can ride it tomorrow.' Well he 'breaks-in' and unlocks the little door and goes and gets on the horse (in the dark classroom) and starts riding it. All of this after his teacher explains what a joy he is and how she never has to tell him twice to do anything. He's such a pleasure, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I start to remove him and he flips out and pulls the 'I'm 2, and I need to pitch a fit because it is what 2 year olds do.' routine. Then he goes limp (I HATE THAT) and I pick him up and he's kicking and screaming as the teacher pretends not to notice and is getting her purse to leave. Here's the NOT ME moment: I most certainly did not squeeze his thigh so hard that it hurt me while I'm clinching my teeth doing the 'CADEN YOU BETTER STOP PITCHING A FIT RIGHT NOW OR I'M GOING TO CALL C.P.S. TO COME AND GET YOU!' speech which doesn't work, I mean who's C.P.S. to him? So plan B was to bribe...'Caden, do you want to go ride your bike when you get home?' It worked, but good Lord!~I mean...I didn't do that, it might have worked, I should totally try that one day!
So last week sometime (Jamie will remember me telling this) I went into the ladies room and was about to wash my hands. Well in our restrooms, the soap automatically dispenses soap and the water is not automatic and requires you to lift the lever to turn it on. (I know, how very 1950's!?) Anyway, I walk up to the mirror and am noticing that I am so behind on getting my hair colored it is just crazy! Without looking I put my hand under the soap dispenser, get the soap and am rubbing both hands together and then (again without looking) I start shoving my hands under the faucet and nothing is happening. Here's the NOT ME moment: I most certainly did not start flipping out over how it is bad enough that the automatic paper towel dispenser sometimes doesn't shoot out paper towels, and about how the leak in the floor is annoying all the while jamming my hands under the faucet as if by some miraculous turn of events, the LEVER has been replaced by an AUTOMATIC WATER FAUCET. I realized the error and flipped the lever, thanking the Lord there are not video cameras in bathrooms! 
Before Caden's birthday party started Saturday, Mom and I were cleaning up the kitchen running around like crazy trying to get everything ready. Mom had brought up a chocolate sheet cake for us to have not for the party, but just for us to snack on over the weekend. Well she told me as she was cleaning up that she was going to put it away in the oven just until the party was over. The pan it was in was huge and we didn't have a place to 'store' it. So you can guess what happens next. Anyway, my chocolate sniffing best friend Jamie says, 'What are you cooking? Smells like brownies.' YIKES! Here's the NOT ME moment: I most certainly did not turn the oven on to preheat it as everyone was leaving the party!
We have a very nice neighbor named Ernie who is always coming over into our yard when I'm swinging Caden in his swing just to chit chat. Caden LOVES Sesame Street and all the characters on the show. Here is the NOT MY CHILD moment: As Ernie was getting out of his car the other day and I was walking with Caden to get the mail, my child most certainly did not yell 'ELMO!' at our neighbor Ernie while pointing to him...Nope, not my child.
'I'm totally going to dig going back to school. This is my tough guy look.'
